Hi everyone – I couldn’t be bothered watching The Oscars, as I’ve recently bought Fallout 4 and have been quite busy with that. However I did make time to check Wikipedia and image google some of the winners/nominees so that I could share my thoughts on some of the slebs at this year’s Academy awards.

Ridley Scott wouldn’t let Matt Damon diet for THE MARTIAN. So where’s the middle-aged spread in those scenes where he bravely bares all? Experts suspect that his spare tyre was removed using CGI techniques.

Red-headed male actress Eddie Redmayne sizzles as “Danish Girl” Einar Wegener. I’d love to sniff “her” bacony fingers!

Someone hand hunky Mark Rylance a pair of tweezers! His forehead looks like an X-rated version of The Very Hungry Caterpillar.

Gloria Steinem’s cute stepson Chris Bale showed up to the Oscars looking like a fuzzy faced tramp! What happened to that super svelte stunner we saw in THE MACHINIST??

Feisty Tom Hardy is currently juggling a Hollywood career with fatherhood – his second child was born in October. He credited the birth of his previous child with saving him from a life of addiction. “Being a father has given me the kind of goal that makes you think more carefully about how you live your life,” he told Hello! magazine.

Sprightly 43-year-old Mark Ruffalo owes his hot bod to a combination of Pilates, taekwondo and gymnastics. His sporty background helped him keep mean and lean for his latest role as sexy, curly-mopped journo Michael Rezendes in SPOTLIGHT.

My neighbour worked on set for the original JUDGE DREDD film and told me that Sylvester Stallone practically handed out trowels to the makeup artists so that they could disguise all the scarification from his face lifts. The character of Dredd traditionally keeps his helmet on, but vain Sly refused to hide his droopy eyes and slobbery mouth from the camera.

Brie Larson says she was 3 when she told her mother that she knew what her dharma was, and that she wanted to be an actor. It turns out her dharma had other things in store: she’s now also a film and theatre director, and a singer.

Jennifer Lawrence recently said, “I feel like I’m over-paid-attention-to. I’m not trying to be a GIF. I’m not trying to be a picked-up-on-Twitter quote. All I’m trying to do is act. And I have to promote these movies. And I am, at the end of the day, I guess, a fucking lunatic. So if you record what I’m saying, it’s gonna be goofy.” Therefore I’m not going to include a quote from her.

Charlotte Rampling thinks the Oscar boycott is racist to white people. “One can never really know, but perhaps the black actors did not deserve to make the final list,” she argues. “CREED was well boring, and Sylvester Stallone looked like an out-of-date condom full of conkers,” I added.

Alicia Vikander accepted an award for her performance in THE DANISH GIRL. She also starred in EX MACHINA, which won an award for VFX artiste Sara Bennett. Vikander’s current boyfriend, Irish beauty Michael Fassbender, took a solo stroll down the red carpet – showing off his short but slender legs in a sharp Tom Ford tux.

Congrats to Margaret Sixel, whose work on MAD MAX: FURY ROAD won the award for Best Film Editress. Maryann Brandon and Mary Jo Markey were also in the running for their contribution to STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS. Not sure who won the award for Best Film Editor.

59 year old DILF Bryan “Trumbo” Cranston has a secret tattoo of the Breaking Bad logo on the inside of his… ring finger. Saucepot!

And even bears couldn’t resist curvy Leo‘s charms in THE REVENANT.

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